Montezuma

plant-strong:

Scooby Doo has great life lessons to teach:

If something evil is happening, it’s probably an old white man trying to make money.

(via paulisper)

since I’ve been on this blog. 

I’m finding that right now, in this true state of loneliness, I have no idea where to turn.  Where to occupy my racing thoughts with visual stimulation. Besides here, which for some reason I find odd. With only 44 followers, I am sure many of you will not read this, and I don’t blame you one bit. I just need to rant a little like everyone else. And this seems to be my only suitable outlet. 

I have come to a place of stagnancy in my life. I am nearing a huge transition, yet I feel so still. I am wasting away each second before this huge farewell of a 4 year journey in college. 

I find that listening to John Denver eases the ache of living day to day in a constant state of loneliness. Most of my friends here are gone now. I have severed ties with over thirty people who I recognized as very good friends of mine. Many are occupied as they should be, and otherwise moving in a direction that I’m not. At this stage in my life, I have not found a single human being on this planet who truly gets me as I get them. And I will not be surprised if that never happens. But the loneliness of no one understanding aches deep in the heart and ashy lungs. I long for understanding on the deepest level imaginable. 

As I’ve been severing ties with once great friends, I am currently facing a struggle with my friends that have not been severed. Are they long-lasting? Will they end up like my other long friendships that deteriorated within months? What pressure am I now putting on these people to be my friend? I feel like I am a terrible fucking person in a really bizarre position. My brain is all over the place, and most of the time I’m baked as a cake, so it’s hard to have some clarity. I am looking forward to getting out of this place. But it’s almost as if I’m waiting day to day to get out of here, like I’m stuck in a jail. I’m not, and I should be making every effort to experience life. The winter blues and constant snow is hard on my psyche. I’m fighting my depression with all that I’ve got, and the meds feel weaker as I gain a higher tolerance. When spring hits, I will take off all of my clothes and run wherever I please. But for now, I feel like a deteriorating piece of furniture. 

If you’ve gotten to this point, wow, thank you for caring! This is mostly a journal entry, but I am glad if others can relate to and enjoy my experiences. 

A few weeks ago, when I went home to Philadelphia, I came to terms with something huge that takes up a great subtle space in my subconscious. I had never talked to anybody about this, but the week I went home, I talked to my mother and two best friends Sharon and Sarah. Let me first say it is very different to convey in language how I feel what I am feeling and why I feel that it is valid. I hope that those who know me and believe will understand what I am going through. For many months now, I have had a very strong feeling that I am going to die at a young age, purely accidentally. Now there are a lot of factors as to why I believe this, and why I don’t just brush it off as anxiety or paranoia. I consider my self to be a spirit of the universe, and therefore have the ability to tap into universal energies. For the past 5 months or so, I have had visions, dreams, premonitions, if you will, of my imminent death. I have tried to ignore this, but I have realized that this may be something to tune into. It’s so hard to tell anyone, let alone your mother, that you feel that you are going to die young. I do not intend to die young, and I hope I don’t. I hope this is just a feeling at this time in my life, and that I will live to be old and healthy. Actually, I really wouldn’t mind dying young, to be honest. But anyway, I do not plan on this to happen. It is something that I am coming to terms with.

Well, I hope that things look up. I feel stuck in a gloomy place of psychosis and inebriation. Sun, please shine on me and melt this tundra of a place. Let me grow and dig my feet deep into the dirt. I thank those for bearing with me, and am feeling better about vomiting this mental block. Peace to you all.

Michael